Connie

03/08/2020 by: Connie

NYK1 Lash Force Review

*UPDATED: October 2020*
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Today, I am breaking from my typical blog post topics and bringing you a beauty product review. This is not a sponsored post – I purchased this product from the NYK1 website and paid the listed offer price, less 10% with the use of an affiliate code courtesy of my friend Linda.

I have 2 objectives with this review:

To express what I think about this product based on my 2 month experience of using it
To request that the company NYK1 send the ‘Lash Force brow and lash serum’ to selected UK based Black Bloggers (Beauty & otherwise) to sample and review

My nominations are:

@moormela – Tosin & Grace #moormuas
@davia.courteney – Davia Courteney Bennett, Founder of @_werbeauty
@thekarenarthur – Karen Arthur, Designer
@tonikemi – Antonia Kemi Omisesan, Makeup Artist
@autistictyla – Tyla Grant, Autism Advocate, Fundraiser
@detailorientedbeauty – Arly, Writer & Content Creator

Why Lash Force?

I placed an order for this lash serum in May 2020 after reading Linda’s review following 2 months of consistent use. At that point the world had been in lockdown for 2 months and my lash extension infill appointment had been in mid-February – so my lash extensions had all fallen off and my natural lashes were looking rather… sparse and tired:

These “before” photos were taken on the day I first unscrewed the cap on the lash serum. I had already applied a layer of the serum before remembering to take a photo (it even reminds you to do so in the instruction leaflet, so just do it – you won’t regret it).

Who is NYK1?

I knew nothing about the NYK1 brand to be honest – probably because I’m not a beauty blogger. I only knew what Linda had mentioned in her review – she mentioned something about it being created and sold by a small family-owned UK based beauty company – I didn’t realise until it arrived through my door that NYK1 are actually based down the road in Wakefield. Awesome, I thought this counts as “Shopping Local”. I think they have other cult beauty products in their range but I don’t know what they are. My priority is my eyelash growth (and my eyebrows) because I don’t wear makeup anymore since having my first child. I now mostly see it as a complete waste of my SLEEP time to be applying, blending, drawing, brushing, dusting various cosmetics onto my epidermis when I could be in my bed (and don’t even get me started on brush washing). BUT… if you have a product that will allow me to enhance my eyelashes or eyebrows – and STILL allow me to have a lie-in, then you have piqued my interest and I will be investing time and money to try it.

I’m NOT a Beauty Blogger

Did I mention yet that I am not a beauty blogger? I just needed to make that super clear so we all understand each other. Okay, so I ordered the Lash Force serum directly from the NYK1 website. They also have an official store on Amazon – I guess that would help *actual* beauty bloggers who will sensibly post a link to the listing using the Amazon Associates program and earn a minuscule commission (I’m currently trying to wean myself off Amazon dependency – but this is not the time or place to go into that political rant). Delivery was as speedy as can be expected given pandemic standards. I did find it a little underwhelming to receive. Not that I was expecting a confetti cannon and singing telegram with it (although that would be amazing) – just that since I was really looking forward to trying it, and it arrived looking exactly like every other parcel I had ordered that week (not gonna lie – there were more), it was just a bit anticlimactic to open the parcel to find a slightly squished silver cardboard box, with an ever so slightly blurry printed instruction leaflet within.

Did I read the leaflet? No, not really. I saw the pictures, skimmed through the directions and glanced at the precautions, then went straight ahead with unscrewing the nicely weighted silver tube and began slathering the serum on my eye lines. I used Linda’s preferred method since she has hooded eyelids like mine – so with one hand I lifted my eyelid, and using my dominant hand I dab/lined the serum under my top lash line, only just avoiding the water line. And then because the lashes on my inner and outer eye are particularly small and wispy, I doubled up* the serum on those areas. As an after thought I then lightly line my lower lashes and drew some of the serum on my brows too – but not a lot as I was prioritising lash growth and was having slight misgivings about the hygiene and risk of cross contamination of using the same applicator and product on both my brows and lashes in one application (I even thought to myself that maybe I should have two tubes – one for eyes, one for brows, but that’s not a very Yorkshire way to spend). Then, I sat myself in front of a mirror to take pictures and scrutinised every single lash as the serum dried. I think I was hoping for some sort of Magic Beanstalk effect.

At this point I think I finally read through both sides of the instruction leaflet, noticing the precautionary note that some irritation and sensitivity is possible as the serum works by stimulating the cells around the eyelash line. Although irritation and sensitivity is actually a sign that the ingredients are working, it’s obviously not good for you and your eyes. So note to self: *Don’t overdo the application (more on this later). You should be able to tap on the above image and be able to pinch and zoom in to read the ingredients list if you want to double check for any specific allergens, or just out of scientific interest.

please excuse the dodgy photo processing. I will be replacing this image when I have time to re-process it.

The First Two Weeks

During those first few days I was obsessively pulling and stretching and scrutinising my eyelids each time I passed a mirror. If I had felt it possible, I would have counted my lashes. I kinda wish I did. I was convinced that there really had been a Magic Beanstalk effect on my lashes by day 2. So on day 6 of application, I sent photos to Linda to confirm or deny the difference that I truly believed had happened.

TWO DAYS – I’m not imagining the growth, right?!

Linda confirmed: She could definitely see a difference. So from there on in I followed the most diligent lash care regime I have ever known – generously using day and night after my regular skincare routine by lining my lash line delicately with the brush, and then smushing the excess serum from the applicator “stem” into my brows. After all, if I could see effects within the first 2 days of beginning application, then what results could be achieved in 2 months?!

See if you can spot the glistening drops of serum on the applicator stem

By two weeks I was obsessed with the new lash growth on the inner lash line near the tear ducts. They had gone from sadly weak, to visibly stronger. For the first time in nearly a decade I allowed my mind to consider the idea of mascara. If you are also examining these pictures to notice any difference in brow growth it is important to note that I continued regularly tinting my brows using my henna-jagua blend which gives a deeper brow colour for around 10 days. You should be able to notice some of this brow tint in the progress photos.

After one full month of using NYK1 Lash Force Serum

Side Effects

After one month of usage I was loving the effects of the serum. My lashes were not only longer, but they felt stronger, with greatly improved lash retention and new growth. I was also able to pinpoint the following side effects from using the serum:

Sensation of dryness, and increased sensitivity around the lash line – as though the delicate skin around my lash line had been over-rubbed (like after a long day of wearing eye make-up and contact lenses, and you have thoroughly wiped off all cosmetics with make-up remover). Bear in mind that I still hadn’t been wearing any make-up, so if you regularly apply eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, etc, I don’t know what you might experience with this increased sensitivity around the lash lines.
Dark skin tone around the lash line. The instruction leaflet does highlight that this is a possible side effect, and after some research online I also learned that this is a result of increased blood flow to the lash line, stimulated by the serum (common with most lash serums). I rarely have darkness around my eyes due in large part to some amazing genes in my family, so to see myself with dark eyes was a first. I figured this would be a good time to buy mascara since any mascara rub around my eye would be less noticeable on the discoloured skin.
Eyes stinging after application. This side effect didn’t start until after 7 weeks of using the serum and I attribute this to my heavy handed application. On most days I would even double up on the serum whilst it was drying. I couldn’t see any point in exercising restraint because it was working so well for me – it’s working therefore Must. Use. MORE. But, due to the stinging sensation in my eyes, I was forced to just night time usage to allow time for my eyes to recover.

Mascara Play!

I’m not known for being a particularly patient person, so I did two things once I realised I could consider mascara use. Firstly, I picked up the cheapest mascara I could find ASAP on my annual Sainsbury’s trip to stockpile Super Facialist Vitamin C cleansing oil while it was on it’s annual price reduction (once again, please remember that I am not a beauty blogger). It turns out that the very cheapest mascara in Sainsbury’s is £5. I somehow managed to resist the urge to use the car vanity mirror to immediately whack it on my newly enforced lashes. Secondly, I also researched mascaras for Chinese lashes which are notoriously fine and straight. There’s truly a gazillion options when it comes to mascara and to be brutally honest I have no clue if there is a genuine and significant difference in terms of the science of it all other than in terms of ophthalmic healthy and safety. So, based on half-assed research via Google and skim reading reviews I opted for a fibre lash mascara and added the L’Oreal Double Extension Beauty Tubes mascara to my basket when I was doing my annual replenishment of L’anza Protein Shampoo. I know, I’m sounding more and more like a beauty blogger, but I promise you I am not a beauty blogger. Anyway, you can see the effect of both the mascaras in the photos I have added above and below. The ONE THING I will say about the L’Oreal mascara is that it is solidly waterproof and smudge proof. I was wearing this on a day when I had a particularly tough counselling session (#mentalhealth is so important so make sure you are talking about it) – it was a very tearful day. Lots of crying and nose blowing. There was still mascara on my lashes by bedtime, and there was no smudging whatsoever. I have to emphasise that I have never in my life had a mascara that did not smudge with my hooded Asian eyelids – smudging, or at the very least, smoky stains around the eyes is the norm for me so this product seriously impressed in that respect. With that in mind, this mascara has of course been known to be difficult to remove – but since you now know that I have an oil cleanser, you’ll understand why I have had no problems with removing this very hardy mascara. But I hate the style of mascara brush/wand (clumps, difficult for detailed root application). The Rimmel mascara wand was much nicer to use, so in the end I used the silicone lash wands from my appointments with Georgie. So much better.

Using L’Oreal Double Extension Beauty Tubes (fibre lash) mascara

Lash Serum vs Lash Extensions?

Having invested in regular lash extensions with my mate Georgie for nearly two years, I think it would be fair to wonder how I would compare using NYK1 Lash Force, followed by mascara, versus having Russian Volume Lashes. Truthfully? There is no comparison. Although both are treatments for lashes, it’s very difficult to compare on the same playing field since I would consider them to be complimentary treatments. You don’t need to choose one or the other, you could have both. Infact, the serum would be excellent for strengthening and retaining your natural lashes whilst they are working hard carrying lash extensions. Then you can use mascara once the extensions begin to thin out and you have an imminent infill appointment coming up. There really is no substitute for expertly crafted and applied lash extensions. They are super bougie and glam and a billion times better than wearing false lashes.

However. Under the current state of 2020 lifestyles, I have opted to not return to the salon to continue with lash extensions due to:

Diminished cash flow – one tube of Lash Force Serum is enough for lash and brow applications for 2 – 3 months (it’s 8ml if the volume means anything to you). I can still hear the product sloshing around inside the tube, which is impressive considering I have been heavy handed with my applications for 2 months. At its currently reduced price of £37.95 (which is the equivalent price of a high quality lash extension top-up which should be taken every 6 weeks) it doesn’t take my calculation to realise I am spending less on my lashes, even after buying 2 tubes of mascara. Make sure you hunt for an affiliate code from a social media influence when you order, which will save you another 10% off that price.
Social distancing guidelines and contamination control risks. I’m still holding off on opening up for studio henna appointments as I feel the risk of contamination is still too high, particularly as we have family members who need to be shielded. Until we have a viable vaccine, I would need to curb family visits to relatives who have desperately missed the socialisation they lost due to lockdown.
Genuine pride and excitement in my new natural lashes. I’ve never had lashes like this, so I want to flaunt them and enjoy them and stare at them whenever I please.

The Final Results

After a month and a half usage when my eyes became sensitive to the ingredients I decided to stop applying the serum under my lash line, and continued with applying over my lash line (like applying liquid eyeliner) and it has really helped. So please note that if you have sensitive eyes, it may be best to stick with the advised application instructions, and not go rogue like I chose to.

I am SO PLEASED with the results from the Lash Force Serum. After 2 full months of consistent use my lashes are longer, thicker and have much better retention. I even enjoy the slightly darker lash line due to increased circulation there. I am so much more comfortable without lash extensions/mascara than I’ve ever been before. I will be buying it again to replenish and I will be recommending it to all my family and friends.

October 2020 UPDATE

At the end of September I ordered my second tube of Lash Force lash serum and was pleased to see that NYK1 have implemented some beautiful packaging updates!

The previous oblong black box has now been replaced by a strong, sturdy stiff card tube with lid – like a thicker cardboard version of the Lash Force tube itself. The directions are now high quality printed onto a long strip which is rolled and placed inside the cardboard tube, providing a layer of padding to the tube of serum which remains the same. It’s luxurious and feels very high end – I’ve actually kept it in my bathroom cupboard as it’s really sturdy for storage. I also have a lash update for you following 3 months of constant use, with no mascara:

And for convenience, here’s the photo of my natural lashes back in June:

<<end update>>

Now: Do you recall my 2 objectives with this review?

To express what I think about this product based on my 2 month experience of using it. E.g Let you know how great I think this product is
To request NYK1 send the ‘Lash Force brow and lash serum’ to selected UK based Black Bloggers (Beauty & otherwise) to sample and review

I think (1) has been well and truly covered, which just leaves (2) to be fulfilled – so what do you say, NYK1?? The ball is now in your

Once again, my nominations are:

@moormela – Tosin & Grace #moormuas
@davia.courteney – Davia Courteney Bennett, Founder of @_werbeauty
@thekarenarthur – Karen Arthur, Designer
@tonikemi – Antonia Kemi Omisesan, Makeup Artist
@autistictyla – Tyla Grant, Autism Advocate, Fundraiser
@detailorientedbeauty – Arly, Writer & Content Creator

And finally, a huge thank you for reading and making it this far on my overly-articulated blog post. While you are here, please consider making a donation to one or more of the following deserving organisations:

28/06/2020 by: Connie

Anti-Racism & Anxiety

Before reading the blog, please consider making a donation to one or more of the following deserving organisations:

“A woman with a voice is by definition a strong woman, but the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult” – Melinda Gates

I sit here in my pyjama’s and bath robe, freshly showered, drinking cider with my husband as we winddown for our Saturday night. We haven’t done this in over a month I think. The pandemic had already given our life a complete overhaul. Then the Black Lives Matter movement spread across the world at an even faster rate. People have wondered what gave the movement such momentum compared to 2012 when BLM began. My armchair opinion is that the continued needless police murders of innocent black lives caught on camera and broadcast globally on social media during lockdown were akin to a match dropped into a tank of lighter fluid. Isolating ourselves at home, the developed world had increased their screentime by over 50% and there was just no avoiding the repeated and historical racist transgressions of the police, on a global scale. By implication this also drew our attention to systemic racism across all institutions, social structures, indeed all social spaces. For anyone with any social conscience it was a brutal, harsh and painful awakening.

With my heritage as a second generation immigrant, born to Hong Kong Cantonese parents in a small coastal town in North Yorkshire I am accustomed to being “not from around here” even though I am indeed from around here. So, although I am very familiar with racism in all its overt forms, it was alarming to look internally and realise the extent of internalised racism I also carry, to this very moment. Disparaging misconceptions of black people that I have internalised from my elders. Racial slurs that I would never dare utter in English, yet comfortably use in Cantonese until only the last year. The reflection in the racism mirror is ugly, and then I started to tackle the racism I had perpetuated in my art.

I’m not particularly proud of this area, but I share it in the hope that it will help another henna friend who may be facing their own racism mirror and having difficulty with atoning for what they see there. Many of you will already know that my henna journey began only in 2013 – a mere 7 years ago. Henna as body adornment by then had existed for over 5000 years according to archeological evidence. My subsequent ascension in the professional henna society was rapid, a combination of my quick learning skills (I love to learn, anything) and my ‘good immigrant’ model minority personality. I was quickly welcomed into circles of influence – I created a regional community group with 18 months. I was an international instructor within 3 years. Won a regional award by 4 years. And formally initiated in the online henna community with a moderator role. The acceptance via recognition and accolades was intoxicatingly dizzying.

I only learned recently through reading & self-study that my sense of identity and belonging have always been weak and neglected, which goes some way to explain why I have spent my entire life anxiously yearning and searching for a place to belong. Somewhere I can be my authentic self. Somewhere I can call My Village with My People. My home and my little family were set up, and I felt that the henna community was the final piece of the puzzle. Like the good immigrant I have always been, I assimilated and integrated within nanoseconds. No adjustment period necessary. It was like I had always belonged. Without hesitation I was advocating the prescriptive professional community standards: Use only natural henna; Condemn all imitation/chemicalised henna; Only recognising ‘professional’ henna artists if they have insurance with some effort towards branding along with a close-to-advanced level of artistry regardless of cultural heritage. I didn’t question it. It was logical and sensible.

It did not occur to me that what was actually happening was that the 5000 year old art and craft of henna had been gentrified. In the 1990s a white American lady was the first to document scientific experiments on the dye properties of the henna plant, on how to maximise the dye release, on the best conditions for mixing, and also set a standard protocol for anyone who would decide upon henna as their artistic career path. By the time I entered the upper echelons of henna influence, social media had closely networked an artistic community that was previously divided by physical, geographic distance. The world was smaller. The art of henna was more visible, more shared. It became a renaissance movement for henna body art, and I had been given a seat at the table in the palace where judgement was passed. It seemed of little consequence to me that this plant and its uses for body adornment on hair and skin had existed for 5000 years without any need for this institutionalised intervention. It hadn’t occurred to me that the accusations of cultural appropriation that I could hear were not against henna as a medium for art by non-POC with no equatorial descent – but that it had been gentrified by white women who had created an inherently racist standard to measure and judge the world’s henna artists. It was arrogant and ignorant in its insistence that it was ‘honouring’ the legacy of henna. And I was completely complicit.

My rose-tinted view took approximately a year to fade. My fall from grace came slowly, with social punishment and significant emotional trauma (as I keep telling you – clearly I have an issue there).

I no longer belonged. I had been rejected.

The 2020 Black Lives Matter movement brought with it new vernacular. We had already added social distancing, pandemic, personal protective equipment (PPE) into our daily conversations. BLM has added even more vocabulary with terms including systemic racism, white privilege, model minority myth, white silence, white fragility, code-switching, internalised racism, and more (Google these to find the definitions). I have been immersing myself in learning about racism. I gave myself a reading list*. I studiously began to consume the books both in physical and audio form. I took notes. I applied the new knowledge in order to solidify my learning. And I realised the urgent need to call-out the gentrified structure of the online henna community, just one. More. Time. You can witness the actions I took and the consequences of those actions in my social media, in ‘my document‘ and in the previous blog update. I don’t want to drain you by repeating myself.

…. I question myself constantly.

Could I have handled it better? Should I have been more gentle with my tone? Should I have reached out privately [again]? Was there another way I could have made my former colleagues and friends hear my pain and discomfort? Did I expect too much from them? Am I just too much for everyone? Too passionate. Too loud. Too involved. Too exhausting. Too demanding. Too direct. Too harsh. I look at the events and messages and screenshots. I consider everything backwards, inside-out, upside-down, diagonally and fragmentally. I can’t see any other way I could have tackled it. And yet, I still hold belief that I am in the wrong, despite evidence to the contrary. This, according to my therapist, is what anxiety does.

This is the first time in my life that I have invested in regular counselling to manage the poltergeist in my life – my anxiety. I believe that investing in fortnightly counselling has given me the strength to raise my voice to say: NO. I will not let this happen again.

And once I had used my voice once, I found myself using it again.

And I know with a fair degree of certainty that I will do it again when the situation arises. Silence is, as I have personally experienced, a very damaging compliance.

Inevitably there was backlash for which I was naively unprepared. I knew there would be people who don’t agree with my methods. But what I was not prepared for was the sensation of being given apologies that I struggled to accept. Or apologies that were performative and empty. Or apologies that came with apologetic emotional accounts of traumatic and abusive histories. I have learned some horrible childhood histories in the last 3 days. I was not prepared for this specific type of emotional weight. I was also not prepared to learn the true extent of fragility in the white woman. From tone policing to the bombardment of insidiously polite words in debate-style as insistent, dogmatic justification for why I am wrong to feel what I feel, and even worse share it. I have very consciously refrained from making direct accusations. I’ve only provided visuals of what I experienced from my point of view, then shared how traumatised I am, along with the state of my mental health as a result. The line between my self, and my anxiety blurs with each retort, and from there it doesn’t take much for the anxiety to take over.

This is where I am at: Walking the slack rope between my rational mind, and my paranoid anxious mind. And this is likely to be very common for every single one of us engaging in anti-racism work while balancing mental health issues.

So, now what do I do?
Anxiety tells me every 5 minutes that the only surefire solution is to Shut Up and Sit Down. Be quiet. Stop talking about anti-racism. Stop talking about how it is affecting me. Stop noticing when systemic racism is at play. Stop creating more trouble and backlash.

Just. STOP.

My support system (hubs and my lovely counsellor) insist otherwise. They tell me emphatically that I need radical self-care and boundaries of steel. Setting firm and specific boundaries, such as fixed times for anti-racism work, specific channels for communication and discussions, immediately deleting any messages or comments with negative opening sentences. Most importantly I must unequivocally keep my evenings free from anti-racism work so that I can maintain a healthy family life. Additionally, self-care needs to go beyond taking a relaxing bath, or exercising. I need to remember to do things that make me feel good. All of these will serve to protect me from allowing the anxiety to dominate and skewing my perception of reality. If like me you also live with your own poltergeist-like anxiety, then these are all important actions to take while you tackle unlearning internalised racism and engaging in anti-racism work. It is deep work that goes right into the core of who we are as social beings – and it is frequently very unsettling. If you don’t take care of your self, you will burn out with emotional exhaustion very, very quickly, thus sabotaging all your hard work. We need to remember that this is a lifelong marathon, and not a 7-day sprint. Endurance. Pace. Cadence. That’s what we need most. Take it at a pace that is suited to you. Always (and I mean ALWAYS) use your voice. Small measured doses, as frequently as you can manage. Never stop learning. Don’t give up when it gets difficult. Celebrate the tiny milestones, and then keep going because you know as well as I do: We can do this.

Postscript: Thank you deeply to everyone who has made a contribution as a result of my document on systemic racism in the henna hub. These contributions enable me to top-up with additional counselling sessions as I continue with the work and emotional energy of using my anxious voice for anti-racism.

*Finally, here is my reading list for anti-racism work in the order I have been reading them and my suggestions. Please, if you want to do your part in understanding anti-racism, try one of these books in whatever format is accessible to you:

Why I’m no longer talking to White People About Race – Reni Eddo-Lodge : A great place to begin. Reni fills in historical omissions in white history, highlighting how white supremacy has been carefully maintained.
Brit(ish) – Afua Hirsch : Essential reading for any human in the UK. Compulsory reading for all immigrants and their descendants.
Me and White Supremacy – Layla F Saad : Currently working through. This is a workbook with journalling prompts for 28 days. It’s direct and reflective work. I recommend discussing this book with a support system, book club, or loved ones which will help greatly.
Native – Akala : Just started reading
How to be an Anti Racist – Ibram X Kendi : Yet to start reading

25/06/2020 by: Connie

Henna & Racism

Before you read the blog post, please consider making a donation to one or more of the following deserving causes:

Two weeks ago I lightly clicked ‘Add to Story’ after editing a screenshot. I wanted to share a mind map I was using to organise my thoughts regarding racism in the henna industry. It was intended in part as a teaser post, to build interest, and also to hold myself accountable. I needed to get the blog post written while the energy for change from the Black Lives Matter movement was still high. Upload, and logoff was my intention.

Fast forward to 36 hours, and +48 text-heavy IG story slides later I had vomited the entire contents of what was supposed to be a measured, interesting, intelligent and eloquent prose for my blog. Instead I ended up with a piece-meal, throw-away shorthand social media version on my Instagram.

oops.

Well, that unravelled unexpectedly.

The mind map, which I clearly didn’t end up even using

If you follow my social media, and also my Facebook activity you will be aware that the 50 slide emotional story then evolved into a 54-page document. A compilation of screenshots of discussions from my time on the moderator team for the 11,000 member Facebook community: Henna Hub. I held a unique position and insight on the team as the only non-white voice. And the events in the year leading up to my sudden dismissal were emotional and socially abusive, while also a jarring experience in white fragility when I was evicted. I had collected all my screenshots and analysed them, redacted some names, breaking down the power dynamics of the patterns of communication. Primarily I was doing this work to better achieve closure on a painful and traumatic time of my life. I have a counsellor now, and the sessions had given me strength and recovery enough to re-confront past situations that had been lacking in resolution. Once the document was complete I realised that I had created a visual breakdown of the message I had repeatedly (twice) tried to have heard by my colleagues. With my moral compass as the driving force, I decided to make this document available to existing mods on the team, not all of them – but specifically the few that I felt comfortable with sending it to. With the beginnings of a global civil rights movement I was acutely aware that there would never, ever be another opportunity in my lifetime where I could actually, finally be listened to. So I uploaded the document, shared it with a handful of mods, and logged off, physically shaking, fearful of retaliatory attacks, social damage, and professional criticism.

3 days later, after only two confirmed readers, a wholly unconnected (to me) discussion began in the Henna Hub, inevitably questioning the lack of Black representation in the Henna Hub moderator team. As with all topics on cultural appropriation and race in that community, it quickly descended into racist personal attacks along with aggressive white entitlement. I was in live communication with an active mod, so I agreed to release access to my document to all the mods to help them understand the systemic flaws that were generating this problem. Within the following 24 hours and in response to this, the two founders of this international community decided they would archive the entire group and end all discussions. You can no longer find it unless you were a member.

The reaction to this has been creating waves of all measures across the international henna community. It is difficult to now say “It’s just a Facebook group, get over it” as it has become clear that it was valued by a huge number of artists. 11 thousand people had joined and contributed to the building of the community. When the owners arbitrarily closed it down they demonstrated that this was not a community that belonged to the masses, but it belonged to the two individuals at the top, serving their purposes alone. For members without insight of the inner workings of the group, this action confirmed that the Henna Hub was racist and therefore implicated the entire mod team. The other 18 members of the mod team experienced a shocking betrayal as they were neither consulted or given the chance to work on the relevant improvements needed to course correct. They were witnessing their roles being vilified in reactions across social media, and they were uncomfortable with the guilt whilst having no means to address it. A new group almost immediately sprung up to step in to the void that was created, while uncomfortably not addressing the trauma that had created the need for this new space.

Since then “my document”, as I so innocuously refer to it, is now available for all to download. It had started to feel important. The Henna Hub represented a microcosm of our global society, having gentrified a 5000 year old art form, imposing a discriminatory ‘professional standard’ in its social structure which followed the template of white supremacy and systemic racism. My document was being viewed as a working example of precisely how systemic racism, passive allyship and fearful silence all perpetuated the flawed system, enabling oppression and abuse.

My intentions from my document remain clearly stated in the [most professional appearing] opening pages: I want change; I want intersectional diversity; I wanted our henna community to be the proof that progress and revolution is possible, and it could be deeply restorative.

“The objective in sharing this document is to set in motion real and tangible changes to a community which is on the cusp of irrelevance, thus losing the societal changing opportunity to evolve into the future of the henna world.”

Instead what we got was shutdown.

I’ve had to deal with a lot of repercussions. I have received messages – far less than you think – of support. I’ve received apologies – also less than you think – genuine ones, performative ones and rage-inducing empty ones, not from the people you would expect. I have become a signpost for fellow Henna Hub trauma victims – people who had been living with the experience of being gaslighted, excluded, and socially abused, for pointing out racism. I have been drawn into tiring discussions, especially with white people about how difficult but necessary this self-exploration is. I have been blocked, and caught it happening. And I have faced new attacks of aggressive white privilege, white guilt and entitlement- all stemming from the deep discomfort and denial of being called-out as racist.

I can tell you here: I am racist. I benefit from the pervasive system of white supremacy which exercises systemic racism on a daily, hourly, minute-to-minute basis and has done for many, many centuries. I have internalised racism, especially from my family and upbringing. I have been a textbook perfect example of the model minority myth, which means I have contributed to the oppression of people of my own heritage, possibly also oppressing part of myself that I have never examined, but I have also been permitted access to all spaces and elite spheres of influence based on my well-behaved, educated, well-spoken, good immigrant appearance. I have been able to travel the world, and activate my privilege with a British passport. I have used my privilege as a henna professional to judge and condemn others for their henna choices, deciding who is and who isn’t a legitimate “professional” henna artist. And I have enabled the abuse of marginalised people with my silent fear of social damage. The experiences I could tell you if I didn’t feel bound by social etiquette would change the culture of idolatry within henna art, and my silence protects the abusive nature of some of these idols whom I have worshipped – I acknowledge my part in this enduring damage.

So. Are you able to truthfully tell me, or even tell yourself that you are absolutely Not Racist?

My viewpoint is that the sooner we can all face up to our racism (internalised, or well-meaning, or ill-intention, or otherwise), the sooner we can Get To Work on it. It serves none of us to waste valuable energy on denying its existence, believing [wrongly] that it is up for debate. Additionally, your denial is DAMAGING and traumatic for descendants of generations upon generations of oppressed Black, Indigenous, People of Colour. Let’s use the metaphor of the creepy Uncle who molested you – who you have to eat a family dinner with every Sunday. One day the family dinner conversation is to discuss the different nuances of sexual abuse, and a “spectrum” of consent (both words that I have heard to describe racism). Would this be acceptable to you? Would you agree with the dinner discussion that abuse is a spectrum? Or would you simply feel traumatised? BIPOC oppressed by systemic racism live day-to-day with the trauma of racism. It is not up for debate. It is a substantial fact of life that white people simply have never needed to carry. And now is the time to DO SOMETHING about it, not wring your hands worrying about getting it wrong.

Despite all the trauma-inducing repercussions that I naively didn’t prepare myself for, I have also experienced positive responses, reactions and [hopefully] a real chance at change through the ripple effect. I’ve been given a seat at the table to discuss how to make a safer, inclusive, intersectional space for the henna community. I have held deeply fulfilling conversations on understanding the omniprescence of racism. And in my self-education I have learned invaluable insights into the significance of identity and belonging that I have been able to apply not only to my own life, but also to my children’s. And for the first time ever, I am daring to maybe, possibly, tentatively allow myself to dream of a better, safe, and beautiful henna community.